The Promises We Keep
by Wallflower95
Summary: Sometimes people don't understand the promises they make and sometimes when they make a promise, they might not be able to keep it. For Peter Van Houten, life was perfect. A good job, a beautiful wife and a perfect daughter. Then his world shatters and nothing will ever be the same.
1. Diagnosis

**Hey there everyone! My name is Wallflower95. You may know me from my Fault in Our Stars fanfics (Their Little Infinity, Anna's Infinity, The Fault in His Stars, All I Want is You: Holiday Special) or from my other stories Here I Lie (Hunger Games), Convergent (Divergent Trilogy), The Beauty That Remains (Doctor Who) or Merry Murder (Sherlock Holiday Special).**

**Anyway, I've been working on this one for quite a bit (since mid Anna's Infinity). This will be my 5th tfios story. unlike**** my other fault in our stars stories, this one does not feature our favorite duos. No, this is kind of an origin story for Peter Van Houten. The rise and fall of the author of 'An Imperial Affliction. How he became a reclusive drunk in Amsterdam. How he dealt with his pain. I hope you all enjoy it! I hope to reach 10 chapters (at the most)**

**Leave a comment or review and let me know what you think. I appreciate all feedback!:)**

**~Wallflower95**

* * *

**1**

**Diagnosis**

They say that when a child becomes ill it makes tremendous change in your life. I don't disagree with that assumption. I just wish it weren't true. I often wonder why good people in life suffer such terrible tragedies and then bad people get all the luxuries in the world. Why is that? Did I do something wrong in life that I now have to pay for? And why make her suffer? Why her?

Life was fine before my own little tragedy came along. I was happily married to the love of my life, Candice. We had a beautiful daughter, Anna. She was the greatest joy of my life. An emphasis on _was._ You see, I wasn't always a bad person. I was happy once. I had loved people once. They were my everything. And then they disappeared, like smoke.

One week before she got sick, we took her to the zoo in our beautiful city. New York City zoo. She stood in between us, holding each of our hands with a smile on her face. She had just turned eight. She was wearing blue dress with mary janes on her feet and white socks. Her blonde hair was tied with colorful ribbons. Her blue eyes glowed with curiosity and excitement. She pointed to each animal. Candice smiled down at her. Candice wore a red shirt with green pants. Her dark brown hair was tied in a loose bun. Her green eyes glowed with love. She had a hair hanging loosed from her bun. I smile and kissed her on the cheek, tucking that loose hair behind her ear.

That was the last good day before our own little tragedy. I wish time had frozen there. On that very moment. I wished I could have stopped and appreciated that moment. I wished I had known.

The next day, Anna complained about about feeling hot. We had taken her temperature and assumed it was just a fever, that bed rest would help her feel better. The day after she threw up everything she ate. She stopped eating. She couldn't get up from the living room couch. We only thought it was the flu. And then bruising and bleeding came along. We found bruises all along her arms and legs and she kept getting these terrible nose bleeds. She was crying an in pain. We took her in. It took hours and hours of running tests.

Candice and I never left her side. We were both sleeping next to her. She was lying on a hospital bed, asleep and drugged. I felt a hand resting on my back. The Doctor gestured for me to come outside the room. Without waking Anna or Candice up, I stepped outside.

"What is the news Doctor?" I asked, rubbing the sleep out of my eyes.

It is a parent's worst nightmare to hear that your child is suffering and there's nothing you can do about it. The Doctor's words were muffled. All I could see was my little girl, my Anna, lying there. In pain. Suffering.

Leukemia is what they said she had. They think they can control it but it would be a lot of work.

"Mr. Van Houten?" I looked at the Doctor.

"We want to start radiation and chemo tomorrow. The sooner the better." She said to me. I looked back through the glass window that separated me from my daughter and wife. How could I possibly break the news to them? What a burden that is. I nodded slowly. The Doctor left me in the hall as I stared at my loved ones from behind glass.

* * *

I took some time off work to be with them. When I told Candice the news she sobbed in my arms. We then entered Anna's room and we both sat on either side of her. She smiled at us. Candice smiled weakly. Her eyes were still red from crying. I took Anna's small hand and held it in my own.

"Hi monkey." I whispered. She smiled. She has gotten so thin and pale. But her eyes were still blue and full of life.

"When can we go home daddy?" I sighed and stroked her hand with mine.

"I'm afraid we have to stay here a while longer Anna." I said.

"Why daddy?"

"You are sick and these Doctors can help you get better. You will feel better very soon." Anna nodded.

"And then we can go get ice cream." I nodded and smiled at her.

"And then we can go get ice cream." She was only eight. How do you tell an eight year old that she has leukemia and that she may or may not be dying. How?

We woke the next morning just as a team of Doctors came in. They all bustled around and smiled at Anna. She thought they were all nice. Soon the chemical torture came along and our journey began.


	2. Into Battle

**Hey guys! how are you? Excited for the holidays? Me too! I have to say, writing from someone else's POV other than Hazel or Gus or Anna or Kaitlyn and Isaac... it's strange. When I first read Fault in Our Stars I despised Peter ( I mean come on, who didn't?) He was a jerk to Hazel and Gus! But now writing his story from scratch I see him from a whole new perspective. I realize that he didn't have it easy either...**

**Enjoy the chapter! Please comment and review:)**

**~Wallflower95**

* * *

**2**

**Into Battle**

She is so young and yet her determination and her courage astounded me. She didn't even understand why she was there and why these people were injecting poisons into her body, and yet she fought. She went into battle without complaint. Candice never left her side. When I wasn't at work I was always there. She was going through Chemo and radiation. When her hair started falling out she looked at me with those blue eyes.

"It's okay daddy. It'll grow back." Not many children would say that. She always manages to surprise me.

I headed into work the next day. Exhausted. Only two of hours of sleep the other night. Anna had woken up a few times in pain. I had to get a nurse. Seeing her in pain but trying to fight back the tears made my chest hurt. As if I was being stabbed in the heart. I took the elevator up and tried to rub the sleep out of my eyes. I work as a financial consultant for a company called Simon and Schuester Banking. Debbie, the front desk receptionist, winced at my appearance.

"Looks like you could have used the day off." I nodded. I set my bag down and collapsed into my seat at my desk. My eyes fell on a picture of Candice holding Anna when she was born. That was only eight years ago. If I had known what my baby girl was going to go through... I don't know what I would have done. All I know is that she doesn't deserve this. Devon, a co-worker who sits in the desk across from my tosses his bag onto his desk.

"Damn Peter. Looks like you could use some coffee."

"No. What I need is for Anna too get better." I said. Devon shut his mouth.

"I'm sorry about that Peter. If there's anything I can do-"

"There is nothing that can be done." I snapped. Devon turned to his work and didn't speak again.

* * *

When Candice first told me that I was going to be a father I had been in complete shock. I didn't think I was capable of fatherhood. I didn't want to be father. I had been convinced I would be terrible at it. Then I changed. Becoming a father changed me. When I saw Anna in my arms I knew that I would do anything in the world to keep her safe. To protect her from harm. But in this situation, there is nothing I can protect her from because in a way the cancer is Anna.

I think that was hurting me the most. Knowing that there was nothing I could do to help Anna. Nothing. She was still herself. Full of laughs and smiles. The Doctors said that their plan is to attack the cancer with radiation and chemo. Lots of it. But I have this feeling at the pit of my stomach. A feeling that none of this would work. That everything would fail but the Doctors remained positive.

Soon enough, Anna was well enough to go home. Of course, the cancer was still there. Demanding to be noticed. Demanding to be felt but for now the chemo and radiation were controlling it. For now. We settled her in her room with pillows and all her stuffed animals. We took turns staying with her. We were coloring pictures together. She was drawing a grassy hill with lots of sunshine over it.

"That's very pretty Anna. What is it?" She looked at me with a smile on her face."

"That's heaven daddy." She said. I flinched at the word.

"It looks really pretty." She said. I swallowed a lump in my throat and nodded. I kissed the top of her head.

"It is sweetheart."

* * *

Anna was resting for the day and at home with Candice. My younger brother, Nicholas, was in town for a bit. Nicholas is what you'd call 'A Party Animal'. He was always causing trouble when we were younger. Going to clubs. Getting drunk. Doing drugs. Crashing cars. Tonight, he insisted that I had to take my mind off my current situation.

He took me to a local bar and ordered two shots. He held up his glass.

"To you brother." He said with a smile on his face. He downed the shot and winced. He laughed when he saw me looking at him.

"Have you never had a drink big brother?" I have to admit, I was never much of a drinker. It did not appeal to me or Candice. Especially with Anna around. But even before my family I never drank. It was not my type of crowd. Nicholas put the shot in my hand.

"Drink up brother. It will numb the pain." He said with a goofy grin on his face. I sniffed at it and then in one movement swallowed the liquid. It burned my throat and left a terrible taste. Nicholas started whooping and cheering me on. He was right about one thing. It did numb the pain. And then without hesitation, I took another drink.

* * *

**Sorry it wasn't very long. Just so you know I completely invented the character of Nicholas Van Houten. That was kind of to just show you when Peter had his first drink. Anyway, please comment and review! Thanks guys:)**

**~Wallflower95**


	3. The Definition of Sorrow

**Hey guys! Let me just say that writing a new side for Peter's character is very interesting. Seeing him before he gave in to alcohol. Its weird cause he's nice at first but yeah I'm just as confused as you guys cause I hated him but now its a whole new side to him. It's great! Ao yeah sorry I havent updated this one in a bit. My grandparents are coming down for the holidays and then work is just finishing up. Its been super busy! I will hopefully get a chance to update this weekend. Hope you enjoy! :) please comment and review.**

**~Wallflower95**

**p.s so I'm planning on finishing this story right when Van Houten talks to Hazel at the end of Fault in Our Stars... think thats good? Let me know in the comments! :)**

* * *

**3**

**The Definition of Sorrow**

When you look up the word 'sorrow' the results are 'a feeling of deep distress caused by loss, disappointment, or other misfortune suffered by oneself or others.' I haven't lost Anna. I don't want to lose Anna. I can't lose her. But I'm starting to learn that things don't turn out the way you want them to...

Anna remained content. She played with her toys and tried to ran around in the park as Candice and I sat and watched. Candice tried to smile. She put her head against my shoulder and I felt her trembling. She was shaking. Tears quietly fell from her eyes.

"Tell me it's going to be okay." She whispered to me.

"Tell me she will be okay." She said. I saw Anna. I didn't know how she did it. She ran around without a care in the world, not knowing that she had a disease that would likely kill her.

"She will be okay." But Id didn't believe my own words. The worst thing about being a parent is watching your child suffer and you having now power to ease their pain. It is the worst feeling in the world and I wished I didn't have it.

* * *

Days went be and every day was the same. Chemo, radiation, needles, doctors. Anna was injected with every poison they had in their possession. She battled through it without complaint, half the time she didn't even understand what was going on. She just dealt with it. She was asleep on the hospital bed, get her does of chemo.

"I can't watch this anymore Peter." Candice said. Candice was tired. There were dark circles under her eyes, her long dark hair was all tangled and she was wearing the same clothes she had worn yesterday. I probably looked the same. Dead. Exhausted. Depressed. The only thing that kept me going was that little girl in there.

The Doctors kept reassuring us that Anna was staying strong and fighting the cancer. They never did tell us it could be cured. There was a chance of remission but the cancer would forever be apart of her body. It would always be with her... until the very end.

Candice and I both listened and nodded our heads but the truth was we were somewhere else every time the doctors spoke to us. It was too painful to hear them talk. Every time they open their mouths it was more bad news. There were no improvements. It was always the same. Anna is fighting. Fighting to stay alive. Fighting the cancer. The truth is... Anna is battling herself. The cancer is apart of her and it always will be. I told Candice that I needed a break. That I was going home to clean up. But that was a lie.

I remembered what Nicholas had said to me when he handed me that drink.

_It will numb the pain._

I headed to a close bar. The bartender looked at me, probably thinking that I was a homeless person looking for a free drink. I pulled our my wallet.

"A beer please." I muttered. He nodded and within seconds a tall beer was before me. I don't want to be that kind of person. It was only one drink. Only one. It would only ever be one. I just needed the pain to go away. That's all I wanted. I picked up the glass and chugged it all down. I set the glass down and closed my eyes as the beer hit me. I felt the buzz in my head and I held onto to the counter to keep myself from falling. I wasn't sure what this new feeling was but I really didn't mind it.

* * *

It has become a routine. For a while Anna will be fine. The chemo and the radiation will kick in and she will have some good days and then she goes back down. Throwing up, fever, bleeding. It was a roller coaster and it was the worst ride in the world. Up and down up and down. I think to myself, why won't it end? Why make her suffer. It started to come to the point, it made me think that maybe if she died I'd be okay with it... at least then she wouldn't have to suffer anymore.

It was weeks of hell.

Candice ended up taking a leave of absence from her job as an attorney to take on the full time job of taking care of Anna. She would call me and send me email updates daily.

**Peter,**

**Doctors say Anna is taking the Chemo and radiation well. She seems to be improving ever so slightly. They say they might put her on more pain meds for the headaches. Will call soon.**

**Love,**

**Candice**

Every email was the same. Every day was the same. I woke up. I went to work. I check my email. I go too the hospital. The next week Anna was well enough to be released from the hospital. Her eyes were still bright but you could tell the cancer was taking a toll on her body. You could see her slowly giving in to it.

I sat with her on the couch. She was wrapped in my arms. She held her bunny stuffed animal.

"Daddy?"

"Yes sweetheart?"

"Am I going to die?" I looked at her blue eyes. Even the light in her eyes was going. I shook my head and stroked her cheek.

"No sweetheart. What makes you think that?" I asked her.

"You and mommy are scared. Aren't you?" I sighed.

"Yes. We are." I whispered.

"I'm going to die aren't I?" She whispered. I embraced her and I didn't want to let her go.

"No. No Anna. You are going to be okay. Everything is going to be okay." I whispered. She hugged me tight. Did I believe these words? Probably not but I have to. For her.

* * *

**Oh gosh this is getting rather... sad... really sad... :'( I'm sorry for messing with your feels. I really am! :( please comment and review. thanks!**

**~Wallflower95**


	4. Undeniable Courage

**Hey guys! Sorry this update is coming so late. Been really busy with the family for the holidays. How was everyone's Christmas? So keep your eyes open for another fault in our stars oneshot! I'm hoping to get it up soon. If you've read my other tfios stories it is going to be a oneshot of Isaac telling Anna how he met her dad, Augustus Waters. the oneshot will be called 'How I Met Augustus Waters'. So yeah read that when its published! :)**

**Will update after the new year! hope you all have a great new years eve and new years day. HAPPY NEW YEAR! :)**

**~Wallflower95**

* * *

**4**

** Undeniable Courage**

Anna has what the Doctors like to call 'undeniable courage'. She was staying strong and fighting every moment against the disease. They praised her every day and made promises that she would soon be better and she would get out of the hospital. I wanted to promise Anna that she'd be okay, but what if I couldn't keep it? She always looked at me with those big blue eyes. She would believe any word I said to her.

I had to take her in for another round of Chemo. Candice needed a break. She had gone home to sleep and take a shower. We had been taking turns sleeping at the hospital with Anna. With this on top of work, I was about ready to collapse. But I did it, for her. I would do anything for her.

She was lying on the bed as the poison that was supposedly getting rid of the cancer enter her frail body. She was paler and she seemed to shrink every day but her fierce expression remained on her face.

"I want to go out today." She said to me. I looked at her. She was weak. The Doctors have been telling us not to push her. She was restricted to the wheelchair so she would not tire herself out. I sighed and took her hand and smiled at her.

"Where would you like to go?" I asked her.

"To the moon and back." She said to me. I laughed.

"As you wish."

* * *

Night was upon us. I looked out the doorway to make sure there were no Doctors or Nurses out the to stop us.

"All clear." I whispered. Anna was sitting in her wheelchair with a with a blanket wrapped her small and frail body. She had a big small plastered to her face. Her bald head looked blue and pale in the low lighting.

"We have to sneak daddy." She whispered.

"Of course Anna." I rolled her wheelchair towards the elevator. I pressed the button. Anna was focused on the elevator doors, waiting for them to open. I looked behind me to see a young nurse turn around the corner. Her name was Kelly. She was one of the nurses assigned to Anna. She saw us in front of the elevator. Anna didn't notice her. Kelly opened her mouth to say something but I put my finger on my lips. I pleaded with my eyes for her to lets us go. She understood my message. Kelly smiled and turned around and walked quietly away.

The elevator doors opened.

"Let's go daddy before someone catches us." I chuckled and pushed her into the elevator. Far below Anna's hospital window was a small playground. For the last few days Anna had been begging to go down there to play but the doctors insisted she rest. Right now, I would give anything in the world to make my little girl happy. Even such a small thing like going to the playground. Outside, the small playground was bathed in moonlight. There were two swings and a play set with a slide. Anna struggled to get out of her chair. I took her hands.

"Here." I said. I gently took her hands.

"How about we do the robot walk?" I asked her. She laughed.

"Okay." She placed her feet on mine and I walked for her. I remember doing this for her when she just learning how to walk. The smile on her face as I walked out. I helped her onto the swing and she held on tight with both hands.

"Push me daddy!" She said. I went behind her and gently pushed her forwards. She laughed out loud and swung her feet to get higher.

"Higher daddy higher!" She cried out. It was nearly midnight and most of the hospital occupants were asleep. Normally I would quiet her down and put her back to sleep but tonight all I wanted was to hear her laugh. I laughed and pushed her higher. She was going so high but no matter how hard I pushed she would never go all the way around. She put her hand out and reached for the sky, laughing as she did.

* * *

Days pass by and everything is the same. Anna is still trying to fight it. The doctors keep trying to be positive but Anna's condition was deteriorating fast. Soon, she couldn't even walk. Every time she tried to eat something it would just come back up. Every few hours she would get a massive nosebleed. Nothing was working. One day the doctor came to me and Candice outside in the hall. Anna was lying on her bed, half asleep.

"I'm sorry." The doctor was saying. Candice was crying softly as she listened to the doctor's words. Not much else they could do. Doing everything they could. Not working. I felt something inside me that I've never felt before. A fire. Anger. Fury. I grabbed the doctor by his shirt and shoved him into the wall. Candice gasped.

"You said that she'd be okay. That you could help her." I growled. The doctor swallowed nervously.

"We are doing everything we can Mr. Van Houten. Your daughter is very sick." He said to me.

"Try harder. Save her!" Try as they might, there was no saving my little girl.


	5. We All Fall Down

**Hey guys! How is everyone doing? sorry these updates are taking some time. The new year has been absolutely crazy for me. so this chapter I thought we do a little background on how Peter met his wife, Candice and how they fell in love. There will be more scenes later on about that! And get ready for the waterworks because next chapter... we say goodbye to one of the characters... and i think you all know who I am talking about... :'(**

**stay tuned! I will try and update soon. please comment and review!**

**~Wallflower95**

**p.s The Road Not Taken by Robert Frost, my favorite poem:) and Ring around the Rosie**

* * *

**5**

**We All Fall Down**

I am sitting in the hallway of the hospital, outside Anna's room. My head is leaning against the cold wall. I've been in the same clothes for two days. I haven't shaved, I haven't eaten, I haven't slept. Nothing changes. There is nothing good happening. It's the same. The door to Anna's room opens and Candice comes out. There are dark circles under her once lively looking green eyes. Now they are dull and without emotion. Her hair is tied in a greasy looking ponytail. She slowly bends her legs and sits beside me. I don't look at her, instead, I stare at the door. The door Anna is behind.

"We- we can get through this Peter." Her voice cracked. She no longer sounded confident. When the diagnosis happened, Candice smiled and rubbed my hand.

_"Everything will be okay, you'll see."_ Then, I believed her. Everything would be okay. But it's not. It's far from that. Nothing is right. The world was cruel and unfair. I shook my head. I could feel tears pooling in my eyes. Candice leaned her head against my shoulder.

"We have to stick together. We can get through this." Candice whispered. I love Candice. I can't imagine a day without her.

* * *

_I thought myself to be the luckiest man when I met Candice Hartman. The gorgeous girl in my advance English Literature class. No one ever thought I'd catch her attention. I had been quiet. Focused on my work. My face always buried in a book. Whoever thought she'd stop and look at me? Whoever thought I would fall for her?_

_That day I had recited a poem in front of the class. I had been terrified. I wasn't much of a talker back then. When I walked onto the stage and saw the class of at least eighty other students I had almost collapsed. Then I saw her in the crowd. Looking right at me with those piercing green eyes. She gave me a small smile. I swallowed the lump in my throat and started speaking. _

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood  
And sorry I could not travel both  
And be one traveler, long I stood  
And looked down one as far as I could  
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair  
And having perhaps the better claim,  
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;  
Though as for that, the passing there  
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay  
In leaves no step had trodden black.  
Oh, I kept the first for another day!  
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,  
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh  
Somewhere ages and ages hence:  
Two roads diverged in a wood and I—  
I took the one less traveled by,  
And that has made all the difference

_The words poured out of me like a waterfall. I was transported to another world. I was no longer in that class room. I somewhere else entirely. When I finished the room was quiet. Not a sound in the room. I looked up and she was staring at me with a smile on her face._

_I tried to hurry out of the room, fearing that someone would come to speak to me about my poem reading. In my haste, I knocked a book off my desk. I reached down for it when I saw another hand reach for it. It was a woman's hand I slowly looked upwards. It was Candice. She gently picked up the book and smiled._

_"Robert Frost, The Road Not Taken." She said as she examined the book. She handed it to me. I nodded._

_"It is my favorite poem." I said. _

_"Mine as well." She said. The was an unpleasant moment of silence._

_"Your spoke very well." _

_"Thank you."_

_"I would love for you to read more." I looked at her. She was wearing brown khaki pants, black flats, and a pale green blouse. Her dark hair was tied back in a loose ponytail, strands of her hair were hanging in front of her green eyes._

_"I can read more if you'd like." I said. She smiled._

_"How about now?" She asked me. I smiled nervously._

__"Okay." She smiled and walked out of the room. I sighed nervously and followed her out of the room.__

* * *

"I am here. I will always be here." I whispered. I hugged her close to me and I never wanted to let go. She laced her fingers through mine, the wedding band shimmering in the low lighting in the hallway.

"Promise?" I nodded.

"Promise."

* * *

It was one of Anna's good days. The doctors said an hour a day of fresh air would do her some good. Candice and I had taken turns going home to get cleaned up. We were both slightly well rested and clean. Candice pushed Anna in the wheelchair outside. She was so small now. No color left in her face. But her eyes. They still had a little bit of light left.

"I want to stand." She said. Candice looked at me nervously. I could no longer deny and of Anna's requests. I smiled down at her.

"Of course Anna." I gently lifted her up and she put her feet on the ground gingerly, as if she were walking for the first time. She was breathing slowly, concentrating on placing her feet on the ground. I was still holding her hands, steadying her.

"Okay dad. You can let go." She said softly. I tried not to worry. She's only child and she has already seen too much for her age. How can I let go? How? How could any parent let go of their child? I swallowed the lump that was forming in my throat and I slowly pulled my hands away. Anna balanced on the spot. Her skinny legs held her up.

"I want to play Ring Around the Rosie." She said. Candice nodded and took one of Anna's hands.

"Okay." I took Candice's hand and Anna's other hand. Anna smiled at the two of us. My little girl_._

Ring-a-round the rosie,  
A pocket full of posies,  
Ashes! Ashes!

We all fall down

When I was still in University I learned the meaning of this song. The song has been said that it refers to the time of The Great Plague that happened in Great Britain in the 1665 or it might refer to The Black Death. Ironic. A children song is a reference to death...

Anna is singing along with Candice with a smile on her face and I going around in a circle with them

Ashes! Ashes!

We all fall down

And then all is silent.


	6. How Do You Say Goodbye?

**Hey guys! Prepare for some waterworks. This chapter was very difficult to write... it was hard to capture the strong emotions and to write it all out. So I am truly sorry for such a sad chapter. This chapter is very important though because if none of this had happened Peter might not have ever written 'An Imperial Affliction'. **

**Let me know what you guys think! Please comment and review. Thanks!**

**~Wallflower95**

* * *

**6**

**How Do You Say Goodbye?**

Everything was happening so fast and yet... so slow. Anna collapsed. Candice screamed for help. I ran into the hospital. Doctors rushed out with a gurney. They lifted her onto the gurney. Her eyes were flickering and she was mumbling something. Candice was crying and trying to get to Anna but no matter how much she tried there was no reaching her.

"What is happening?" I said. I wasn't angry. I wasn't sad. I wasn't anything. I didn't know what I was feeling. The Doctor gave me one look and that one look said it all. Whatever was happening wasn't good.

"Get her inside. Now!" The team of doctors and nurses rushed Anna inside. We followed. Candice was talking to the Doctor, the one who gave me that look. I couldn't hear any of what they were saying. I don't understand. She was fine one moment and then gone the next. How?

* * *

It felt like hours they were in there with her. Doctors and nurses going in and out of the room. Candice and I were told not go in. We weren't even allowed to be with our only daughter. I decided when Anna was first diagnosed that I don't like hospitals. Hospitals... are full of stories. Each room in the hospital has a person with a sad, terrible and heart-breaking story. That is why I don't like hospitals. The door opens and the Doctor opens the door. Whenever a Doctor has bad news they wear this somber expression on their face. An expression that reads bad news. Candice is crying but begging the Doctor for good news. She is squeezing my hand but there is no point. There is no good news.

"I am sorry. There is nothing else we can do." He said. The cancer has taken over her body. Anna is made of the cancer. She is weak and won't hold on for much longer. She is dying. Candice falls to her knees on the ground. Her shoulders shaking as the news sinks in. I want nothing more to hold her. To tell her everything will be okay. To comfort her. But I can't. This isn't some bad dream. It's real. We are losing our baby girl. I can feel tears pooling in my eyes. I don't look the Doctor in the eye.

"May we see her?" I whisper. The Doctor nodded.

"Of course. Take all the time you need. He opens the door. I gently take Candice's hand and pull her to her feet. I can see it in her eyes. She is broken and there is fixing it. Anna lies on the bed. Her eyes are open.

"Mommy?" Candice cries and sits beside Anna bed. She put her head on the bed and just cries. I let the tears fall as I watch the two of them together. Candice is shaking with greif and Anna... Anna gently strokes her hair. I sit on the other side of Anna and give her a weak smile. I take her hand and squeeze it.

"Hey monkey." I whisper.

"Daddy?" Her voice is small, barely a whisper escapes her mouth.

"Yes sweetie?"

"Am I dying?" What do you tell an eight year? How do you tell your own child that she is dying of a disease that she is made of? How can I explain to her... that her body is basically killing her. How do I tell her that she will no longer exist? That she will leave this earth and her parents can't come with her? How do you say goodbye... forever? I try to control myself. I don't want to scare her. She so young. So innocent. I squeeze her hand again.

"You are going somewhere..."' I say. "'Somewhere beautiful."

"Are you coming with me?" She asks. God, God I want to. I would give anything to be with my little girl. Anything in the world.

"No Anna... but I will be there soon enough." I said in a shaky voice.

"Do you promise?" I look into the blue eyes of my daughter. The same eyes I saw eight years ago when she first came into the world. The same eyes I looked into as I held her small body in my arms, rocking her side to side. The same eyes I looked into when I helped her with her reading. The same dying eyes I am looking into now.

How do you say goodbye? To people it is so simple to say goodbye after a meeting or a get together but this goodbye is much different because I will never see those blue eyes again. I will never hear my daughter laugh again or ask me why the sky is blue or the grass is green. I will never kiss her goodnight or hug her.

I can't say goodbye. How can I? I look into her eyes again. I lean forwards and kiss her on the forehead.

"I promise Anna." She smiles weakly.

"I love you daddy."

"I love you Anna." And then it was so quiet... quiet except for the beeping monitor that indicated there was no longer a heartbeat.

* * *

I will say this. No parent should have to bury their child. No parent should suffer that kind of pain because it is the worst pain you could possibly imagine. It's like your heart was torn out of your chest. It's like a part of you died with them. I barely hear anything during the funeral. Candice stands beside me, tears rolling silently down her cheeks. We have not spoken much since Anna passed. That was only three days ago. It's like the only thing that was holding us together had been Anna and now that she was gone we were drifting apart.

After the funeral my brother and parents approached me and paid their respects. My mother hugged Candice who was still silent.

"I am sorry Peter." My brother said. My parents were walking away with Candice. My mother had her arm around Candice's shoulder.

"I need a drink." I said. My brother frowned.

"Are you sure?"

"I'm sure."


	7. One Step at a Time

**Hey you guys! Sorry I haven't updated in a while. Have any of you seen the Paper Towns movie trailer? What are your thoughts? Please share I'd love to hear from you. So I hope you are all ready for this chapter. I am really messing with your feelings here.**

**Please comment and review! Much appreciated!**

**~Wallflower95**

* * *

**7**

**One Step at a Time**

They say that after the loss of a child its takes one step at a time until everything is back to normal. Until the pain finally goes away. But it's not. It's been three months since Anna's passing and the pain is still there. Still fresh. Every morning I wake up, hoping to see her face. See her smile. And then it hits me anew. Nothing get better. Candice has been off work since her death. Every morning she sits at the table in her pajamas, quiet and lost. Empty. Every day I go too work but it never feels like I'm truly there.

Nothing is the same.

* * *

_"Hey Peter, it's Nicholas. Listen, I'm just checking in with you and Candice. Mom talked to Candice a few days ago... I know it's been... hard these last few months... Candice says that... you don't talk much and you've been drinking more than usual... just... just call me back okay, Peter? I'm your brother. I will always be here for you. Okay. Bye."_

My brothers always calls... I never answer. As I set my phone down on the bar counter I feel it buzz again. I turn to see who it is. Candice. I sigh and set it on the counter. I take a sip of the Scotch. It burns my throat and leaves a bad aftertaste... but it numbs the pain. I have trouble seeing my daughter's face. What's her name? For some reason I can't remember her name. The Scotch is blurring my memory. I smile and take another sip. I click my phone on and listen to the voicemail.

_"Peter, where are you? I called the office. They said you never came in today. I'm worried about you. Please call me back." _I see the picture. The picture of my daughter, Anna as my screensaver. She is smiling up and me. I turn the phone off and drop into the glass of beer next to me. The bartender gives me a look but I'm drunk to even say anything. The pain is going away. It will all go away. I take another long drink from the glass of Scotch.

* * *

Everyone is staring at me when I walk into the office that morning. I must look like a wreck but I don't seem to mind. I probably still smell like beer. I didn't remember much from last night but I think I recall getting beaten up and someone throwing a glass of alcohol at me. But maybe I'm wrong. I throw my jacket onto my desk and I lean back in my chair.

"Hell Peter, you look awful."

"Thanks Devon." I groaned as I rubbed my eyes.

"Do you want some coffee maybe?"

"No?"

"Maybe some food?"

"No, Devon."

"How about a-"

"Just fuck off Devon!" I shouted. Every head in the office turned toward me but I was staring at Devon. I shrank back and swallowed nervously. He didn't say anything. He just walked away. I laid my head on my desk and closed my eyes. My head felt like it was splitting open... but I didn't mind it because all that pain I felt after Anna... all of it was gone. All I felt was the pain in my head, demanding to be felt.

* * *

"Peter... Peter! Wake up!" I sat upright and rubbed my eyes. It was Ruby, a co-worker.

"Boss wants to see you." She said.

"Now?"

"Yes, now." I groaned but stood and trudged towards the office Adam Schuester. He runs the company with Leanne Simon. They are both in the office when I enter.

"Come in, Peter." Leanne gestures to the seat before the desk. I sit down. I notice Adam is looking a little nervous. Looking back and forth between me and Leanne. Leanne tries to smile but I can tell that they are tense.

"How are things with you, Peter?" I shrug, still feeling the incredible pain in my head. The light were extremely bright in the office... or maybe that was just me. I shrug my shoulders.

"Pretty shitty." I mutter.

"Yes... how is Candice doing?" Leanne asks.

"We lost our daughter. How do you think we are doing?" I snapped. Leanne looks at Adam. Adam sighs.

"Listen Peter... we've been getting complaints about... you."

"From who?"

"Customers... employees... advisers."

"Well I didn't do anything wrong." Leanne looks at me. She pities me. I can see it in her eyes.

"I am so sorry Peter." I look between the two.

"We have to let you go."

"What?!"

"This isn't good for the company. It doesn't have to be permanent. We like you Peter. We really do but your behavior since your daughter's passing is affecting the company. We can't risk that. Take some time to accept-"

"ACCEPT?!" I roared. I stood up, the chair I was sitting fell to the ground behind me. Leanne and Adam shrank.

"YOU WANT ME TO ACCEPT HER DEATH?!" I felt utter fury. How can you accept someone's death? Especially your child's. No one truly understands what it is like to lose a child until they have lost one themselves.

"I WILL NEVER ACCEPT IT. NEVER!"

"Peter, please-"

"FORGET IT! FUCK THIS JOB. I DON'T NEED IT."

I threw open the door and left.

* * *

I was drinking when Candice got home. I was on the kitchen floor with a bottle of beer in my hand. She came in quietly and leaned against the door frame.

"Devon called me." She whispered. I closed my eyes. Of course Devon would call Candice. Devon was always a close friend. He had always been there for us. I felt a twinge of remorse for yelling at him in the office.

"You got fired." I opened my eyes. Tears were running down her cheeks. She was once beautiful. Now she has dark shadows under her eyes as if she hadn't slept in weeks. Her clothes were loose on her body. She looked frail and empty.

"I need you back, Peter." She whispered. I gulped down some alcohol, it burned as it went down my throat. Candice took my hands and looked me in the eyes.

"We can get through this. Together." She cried. But... like the idiot that I was... I no longer saw Candice. She needed me and I wasn't there for her. I tore my hands from her grip.

"No, we can't." Her lip quivered. I could see her breaking inside.

"Please, Peter. Anna wouldn't want this."

"Anna... Anna is dead." Candice flinched, the comment slapped her in the face. She reached for my hands again.

"Please. Please come back to me Peter. I love you." I slapped her hands away.

"No! It's better off this way. I don't feel the pain anymore." I stood up and walked out of the kitchen. Candice followed. Trying to talk to me.

"Please Peter. This isn't good, for either of us. Please. We can work together." She put her hand on my shoulder. I felt fury and so much anger bubbling in my chest. I wanted all of this to end. All of the pain.

"LEAVE ME ALONE!" The next thing I knew, she was on the ground staring at me in horror. She didn't recognize me. Her hand was on her cheek, where I hit her. I looked at my hand. Before all of this I wasn't capable of hurting anyone.

"Candice- I-"

She got up and ran. Opened the door and left.

I was truly alone.


	8. Breaking a Promise

**Hey guys! So we are really starting to see the making of _'An Imperial Affliction' _in this chapter. It's not my longest chapter but you definitely see some start to AIA. You'll get more next chapter! Hope you like it and please comment and review! :)**

**Okay?**

**~Wallflower95**

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**8**

**Breaking A Promise**

Everyone makes promises. Every day. Sometimes we just don't understand the promises we make. No matter how big or how small that promise is it can make a huge impact. Today... today I'm breaking another promise.

Ten months since Anna. Two months since I hit Candice. Things aren't any better. I still drink every day. I know I shouldn't do it but I don't stop. I'm not sure I ever will. But there is not a day that goes by that I don't regret what happened between me and Candice. Since then she has moved out and we haven't spoken... until today. She left me a message saying to meet her at our favorite cafe. I tried to look as presentable as possible. I put on a nice jacket and tried to lay my hair down flat. I haven't shaved in sometime and the shirt I'm wearing still smells like beer from a few nights ago. The bell above the cafe door rings and Candice steps in. She's wearing black boots, a black denim jacket, brown pants and a red turtleneck. She looks like she hasn't slept much and there's something in her eyes. A small hint of fear. I flinch. It's because of me. She sits down across from me.

"Hi Peter." She breathes out. I try to smile.

"Hi." There is a moment of awkward silence.

"How are you?" I ask her. She brushes her hair behind her ear nervously.

"I've been good. Yourself?"

"Fine." She reaches into he bag and pulls out a small stack of papers. She looks at me nervously and then pushes the pile towards me without saying a word. Before I even read them I know what they are. Divorce papers. I felt like this was coming. My hand is shaking slightly as I pulled them towards me.

"Just... just sign and I'll be on my way." She whispered. I tried to hold back all the emotions bubbling inside of me. I shook my head.

"No. I don't want this."

"Peter..."

"I love you, Candice. Please... don't do this." She sighed.

"I miss her too. I miss her so much." She said quietly. Tears fell down her cheeks.

"It's like... it's like a part of me died with her." She said. Her hands were shaking.

"I thought we could have worked together. To try and... recover together. But there is no recovering from this. There is nothing worse in the world than losing your own child. It is an indescribable pain." I nodded.

"I know why you do what you do. Drink." She whispered.

"It's your way of forgetting. I get that." But she was shaking her head. "But it's not the right way. We could have worked together. We could have gotten through it. Anna wouldn't want this." I took her hands. She tried to pull away but I held on.

"That's why we have to stay together. For Anna." I said. She shook her head.

"I can be with someone who does that to themselves." She whispered.

"I'm sorry Peter. I love you. I really do but... I can't do this." She took her hands away and wiped at her eyes. My heart was pounding. I couldn't hear anything. Everything was muffled. All I saw was Candice and she was slowly slipping away.

"Please, don't do this." I whispered. She looked at me.

"Can you honestly tell me that you would stop all of this? Stop all the drinking. Would you?" I tried to say something. It should be an easier answer. Yes. I could stop all of it. Of course I could. I made a promise that I would always be there for her. I remember my wedding. Putting on that wedding ring and making those vows. My answer should have been simple. I should have just said that right then and there. But I didn't. I didn't say anything. Candice was crying.

"You promised me." She whispered. She slipped off her wedding ring and put on the table in between us. She put her hand on her mouth to keep her sob muffled. I wanted to hold her close. To tell her everything was going to be okay. But it wasn't. Nothing was okay. She stood up. I should have followed her. I should have gone after her. But I didn't. I just sat there staring at that damn ring. And she walked away. Out of my life. I had lost everything.

* * *

I sat at the kitchen table, staring at the wedding ring she had left me. I couldn't think... I couldn't breathe. It was so empty and quiet at home. I pulled at my hair. I wanted to yell and scream. I grabbed the table and flipped it over. Yelling as I did that. The neighbors would probably call the cops saying that there was some drunk mad man living next door. The ring was on the floor now. Teasing me. There was a chest in the living room. I opened it. It was full of drawing and stuffed animals, toys. Memories. Heartache. Anna. I threw the ring in there and slammed it shut.

I was truly alone now.

It was unfair. So unfair. She was only eight. How could she go without living her life? She would never kiss a boy or go too school dances or graduate from high school or even have her own family. She didn't get to experience any of that. Maybe I had too much to drink that night, but for some stupid reason I grabbed a pencil and a notepad and started to imagine what Anna would have been like as a teenager. Her blonde hair cut short, almost pixie cut. Her hair is blonde with some brown in it. She wearing a green unbuttoned shirt with a light pink tank top, jean capris and purple chuck taylors. That's the way I imagined her. And then I just kept going. It's funny, in university I wasn't the best writer. I was more of a speaker but right then and there the words came pouring out and they just kept coming.


End file.
